Lifestyle

What’s Your Timezone

This entire post begins with one photo I saw circulating Facebook & the awestruck moment I had after reading it…. so. See below, friends.

38085203_1793023004119502_5800932050026364928_n

After reading this last week I just sat on my couch & actually cried tears of relief, letting all my stress about the future & anxiety about everything roll down. Wow. Get ready for some real talk, friends.

Hi. My name’s Amanda. I’m incredibly outgoing, dramatic, funny, sarcastic, extra & goofy. I love fashion, crafting, creating, eating, singing, dancing, performing, swimming & generally having the spotlight on me at all times. I was a straight A student all throughout school. I’ve been a cheerleader captain, Sugar Plum Fairy, Student Government President, Drama Club President, Miss Missouri Highschool America 2011 & SO much more. I have my dream job educating people about animals while working with dolphins everyday. I have a loving husband & family support system. I have great friends. I have everything I could ever need…

Hi. My name’s Amanda – & I struggle with intense social stress & anxiety. 

Growing up I always attributed my inner drive to always be better than everyone to my very obvious “type A” personality. When it still seemed more driven than the average type A person, I blamed it on my “first child syndrome” in that I was paving the success for the rest of my sisters. When things were still more intense than the average eldest sibling, I decided to place all the blame on my parents for the longest time. All throughout college & my recent adult life in therapy {which I suggest everyone to go to because therapy is amazing & everyone could use a safe space to just unload everything to someone} I chose to think that they “placed this pressure of perfection on me & I never got to live my life with the knowledge that IF I failed, I’d still be loved…” HOW UNFAIR IS THAT. {for the record Mom & Dad, I love you. You’re far from perfect, but you’re incredible parents}

I was so tired of blaming my entire life & thought process on everyone else. There’s no “trauma” in my life that caused my twisted way of thinking. There was no moment that anyone in my life was actually against me & rooting for me to fail. Sure, I’ve had bullying in my past where I was made to feel terrible about my accomplishments. “Amanda is too smart, she’s too tall, she’s too blonde, she’s too active, she’s too peppy & too southern. Lose the Texas accent, Amanda. Stop being the best. Just blend in more & then maybe you’ll keep some friends & people will like you.” {Thanks JD, I’ll never forget your lovely face or words}

It wasn’t until recently – when I’d finally gotten my dream job, dream house, dream husband, dream everything – that I realized: I’m still not sleeping because my mind is racing constantly about how I need to be better, do better, act better, exist better. My jaw is locking at night because I’m so stressed in my sleep that I’m taking it out on my body. My skin is screaming for help. My hair is falling out. I’m having chronic panic attacks over seemingly nothing & I can’t figure out why I’m literally breaking down. I’m taking all this pent up stress & anxiety out on my husband & just yelled at him for cooking ground beef the wrong way! {news flash, there isn’t a wrong way.}

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I’m taking back my life…

So here I am, 1 month into stress & anxiety medication… breathing, eating, sleeping & LIVING. I am living. I am enjoying. I am healthy. I am strong. I am loving. I am finally me.


To tie this post back to the photo posted above – It hit me after reading that photo: I am Amanda & there is no one in the world exactly like me… So why am I basing my own success, life, drive, emotions, mental health & feelings of accomplishments off anyone else?  I had feelings of self doubt, depression & anxiety consistently in life – but I finally allowed myself to feel them & know that it was ok. I decided to change for me. I sought help for me. I’m going enjoy life for me so that I can start showing others that it’s okay to not be perfect.

Living the perfect life image was stressful, exhausting & honestly crippling. My fear of people hating me because I had flaws was so intense that I tried to cover it all up with areas for people to be impressed & proud of. I put all my time & effort into being that woman that I really lost who I was on the inside… Sure. I’m an outgoing person who enjoys the spotlight – but I also love to be alone & read a book while escaping the world. I love to make people laugh & always put my two sense in – but I’m a great listener. I have a heart of steel & am always the strong one in times of need – but I’m also one to ache & mourn.

I’m in a league of my own. My own time zone. And. So. Are. You.

Regardless of your past, present or future, you are you. Live your life doing what makes you happy. Live your life experiencing what makes you feel successful. Live your life creating moments of accomplishments.

I guess the point of this post was more for me…  but I hope it encourages you to take a step back & realize it’s OK to not be okay. Talking about my feelings & personal things in life is the hardest for me, but I’m working on it. I’m committing myself to opening up more about how I actually feel, how I’m actually doing & how I’m actually living.

This world is hard. This world is tough. This world is so challenging… So why make it even harder on yourself by going through it alone. Share your struggles with someone. Share your success with someone. Encourage each other to feel. Sure, we’re all in our own timezones, but we can all be living, laughing, crying, dreaming & loving together.

Hi. My name’s Amanda – & I struggle with intense social stress & anxiety. 

– but I’m not alone & I’m working on loving myself & truly living despite it.

x -A

 

 

Advertisements

1 thought on “What’s Your Timezone”

  1. Wow! Spot on to many a girl’s struggle! I laughed, I cried & I understood… I could sooo relate to your post on many levels and in many ways! I will take your suggestions under advisement! Love, Hope & Faith!! 😳😢🙏💕

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s